A Sparkling String of Perils

AMAZING DISGRACE

By James Hamilton-Paterson

Europa Editions. 332 pp. $14.95

The amazingly prolific and astonishingly sophisticated JamesHamilton-Paterson has given us another novel, as offbeat andunexpected as any of the rest. He's a man of unabashedcontradictions: someone who's lived all over the world, writtenabout Ferdinand Marcos and Egyptian mummies, yet scorns travel andtravel writers in a piece he recently wrote for Granta magazine.He's written the highly regarded "Griefwork," but now gives us acomedy -- second in a series about Gerald Samper, a fecklessghostwriter. (The first was "Cooking With Fernet Branca.") Gerald is40, or so he maintains, and makes his living writing"autobiographies" of sports heroes. He doesn't like sports heroes,but he loves his life, and that's what he wants to tell us about.Whether or not this is a comedy (as the jacket publicity blandlyassures us) remains to be seen.

Gerald lives in an ancient peasants' stone cottage high in theTuscan hills with a breathtaking view that extends all the way tothe Mediterranean. He's a loner -- shy, gay and good-natured. Heused to have trouble with Marta, his Eastern European spinsterneighbor, who tormented him with her piano playing, even as hetortured her with awful renditions of his favorite arias. She'smysteriously disappeared, and he's worried about her. A woman whoselife story he's currently ghostwriting also is driving him todistraction.

Millie Cleat is an extremely unpleasant, leathery little woman inher 50s who early on had an arm bitten off by a shark. Despite (orperhaps because of) this, she's kindled the affections of anAustralian billionaire who's built a very high-tech boat so that shecan sail around the world one-armed. She attracts the crazedattention of the media, manages to break a round-the-world recordand messes up some very serious oceanographic experiments in theprocess. Distinguished oceanographers have learned to loathe her.Millie is impervious. She takes to thinking of herself as amysterious queen of the sea: She purchases, as an accessory, atransparent hollow arm that fish can swim around in. If all thatweren't bad enough, there's no end to her pontificating.

Meanwhile, Gerald has purchased some pills off the Internet toenlarge his genitalia, and much to his alarm, the pills work.There's not much more to be said about that in a family newspaper,but for him it becomes a growing concern.

Most of his days are spent in harmless-enough pastimes. He lovesto cook and whips up dubious-seeming delicacies like "Death Roe,"which includes cod roe, squid ink, eggplant and black currants.Another dish: Eels Flottantes, which, besides the eels, featuresrhubarb, okra, nutmeg and (as an optional extra) lime juice. Theonly creation he will admit as having been fully inedible was anunfortunate cuckoo sorbet, which he served to his father and wickedstepmother. He's more than fond of dishing up a pate of dog, whichhis friends, without knowing the ingredients, profess to admire.

Gerald's life is filled with mild mishap. At a family dinner inthe home of a world-famous conductor whom he admires greatly, he uses a toilet that hasn't been hooked up yet. And, in a fit ofneighborly generosity, he decides to change his missing neighbor'slocks. It turns out -- probably because he drinks prosecco,Italy's insouciant answer to champagne, as if it were water -- tobe a disaster you can see coming a mile away. What else? He delightsin couching insults to his landlord in the most baroque Italian hecan muster, and his landlord takes equal delight in this poisonousexchange.

Plot? Structure? Internal conflict? Hamilton-Paterson takes adon't-ask, don't-tell position on all of these. I looked pretty hardand couldn't find any. "ODTAA" is what they used to call this genrein graduate school -- "One Damn Thing After Another." But Isuppose that's what the author is getting at in this novel, whichmay or may not be a comedy when you stop to think about it. We driftthrough our lives, supremely deluded. Does Gerald really think hiscooking is wonderful? And what about his god-awful singing thatbrings strangers screeching from their homes, imploring him to stop?We tell lies to ourselves all the time just to get through the day;we embark on pointless enterprises -- sometimes just to stir up trouble, to keep us from dying of boredom.

Some things seem changeless -- like Gerald's old peasants'cottage. God knows he's lavished enough time and trouble on it. Butmaybe it's only the view that can be counted on, the refreshingchill of prosecco, a dinner party with friends well met. Maybe, asPeggy Lee would say, that's all there is.

Gerald develops a mild crush on a nice oceanographer who happensto be a brother-in-law to that conductor he admires so much. Hekeeps up a competitive, rather petty friendship with a gay guy whohas some questionable habits. He gets to know the leader of a boyband who's turning 30 and going bald. The one-armed lady sailorkeeps driving him batty, as do her dippy New Age eco-followers, whodimwittedly go about trying to save the planet. It's same old, sameold for Gerald. He's had more than enough heartbreak in his life,though he addresses all that in throwaway phrases and half-sentences.

Who should read this book? If you're filled with lofty ideals andambition and a strong sense of right and wrong, "Amazing Disgrace"will probably offend you. If you're far enough along in life (and Idon't mean old!) that 99 percent of the human condition seems likeGod's Own Little Joke, pick this up for some well-earnedconsolation.

Stephanie Coontz closes the marriage gap.

Warren Bass remembers the first Gulf War.

Heidi Julavitz weaves an enchantment.

Bill Bryson relives his youth.

Jerome Robbins dances again.